Do you find yourself pulling away from others when things get too close or intense? You may be experiencing aspects of an avoidant attachment style. Attachment styles are unconscious patterns of behavior that shape how we relate and interact with others. These styles are shaped by early interactions with primary caregiving figures. People with this attachment style often value their independence to the point of distancing themselves emotionally, even when they desire deep connections. Understanding this behavior is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle of emotional distance and building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What Are Attachment Styles?
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were pioneers in the field of attachment theory and laid the groundwork for how we understand attachment. John Bowlby was one of the first attachment theorists and proposed that infants are born with an innate need to form close attachments with caregiving figures. This is an instinctual process to ensure survival of the infant. Infants and children will display attachment seeking behaviors, like crying, clinging, or following, as a way to get their physical and emotional needs met by their caregiver. Bowlby also proposed the concept of caregivers acting as a “secure base” for their child, meaning the child feels safe to explore their environment because they know they have a trusted adult figure they can return to for safety and protection.
Mary Ainsworth, through the “strange situation” experiment, discovered different attachment styles by observing the response of infants when they were placed in a novel environment with their caregiver, separated from, and then reunited with their primary caregiver. Ainsworth observed four different types of attachment styles based on these experiments: secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized. During the strange situation experiment, the infants characterized by the anxious-avoidant attachment style exhibited limited to no outward distress when their caregiver left the room. Upon return of the caregiver, these infants did not make attempts to reestablish contact with them and displayed a calm or disinterested demeanor. At first glance, the researchers thought these infants simply did not want or need a close attachment bond. However, after collecting cortisol, a measure of stress, it was revealed that these infants exhibited high levels of cortisol when their caregiver left the room. Thus, these infants were distressed by their caregiver leaving despite minimal outward appearance of distress. Anxious-avoidant attachment will be referred to as “avoidant attachment” for the purposes of this blog.
Avoidant Attachment in Infancy and Childhood
The following are ways avoidant attachment manifests in infants and children:
- Isolation: Infants and children who develop an avoidant attachment style often grew up in environments where they were left alone too often. Even when their caregivers were present, they may not have received enough face-to-face contact.
- Lack of Touch: Nurturing touch is an essential component of building a strong parent-child relationship. Receiving caring touch releases the hormone oxytocin which helps infants and children build a safe and trusting bond with their caregiver. Children with avoidant attachment do not grow up with enough caring touch which can negatively impact the quality of attachment they have with their caregivers. Children will shut down this need in order to adapt to their environment.
- Emotional neglect: Children who display this attachment style grow up in environments where their emotional needs are not met. They may have caregivers who lack the ability to attune their child’s needs which prevents them from responding sensitively to and appropriately to their child’s emotional needs.
- Task-focus: These children may also grow up with caregivers who are present only when they are trying to teach their children a new skill or task rather than simply spending time playing with their children or hearing about their day. Children learn their caregiver will show up for them only when they need help with task-focused items as opposed to emotional situations.
- Rejection: Children with this attachment style may face repeated rejection from their caregivers when they express emotional needs. This leads them to shut down their need for attachment and closeness to avoid facing repeated rejection.
- Self-sufficient and independent: These children are often highly independent and self-sufficient. They handle tasks on their own and rarely ask for help from others.
- Minimal emotional expression: Children with an avoidant attachment rarely express their emotions. They may have difficulty accessing what they are feeling and grow uncomfortable when asked about their feelings. Although their outward appearance may seem calm and lack emotion, inwardly they may feel anxious and insecure about their relationships.
- Minimal distress upon separation: These children show minimal to no outward distress when their caregiver or loved one separates from them for periods of time. They may appear calm or unbothered by the separation. Internally these children may feel stressed but have limited awareness of the stress they are experiencing.
Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood
In adulthood, the avoidant attachment style can manifest in the following ways:
- Devaluing interpersonal relationships: Adults with an avoidant attachment style grew up with a relational template of “relationships aren’t nourishing.” They place more emphasis on work, achievements, or material objects. These individuals may be deemed “workaholics” and may develop more intimate relationships with animals or possessions as opposed to people. These individuals may appear confident, self-assured, and in control but deep down they lack emotional closeness.
- Dissociation: Avoidantly attached adults often use dissociation as a coping strategy when connection or emotional situations become too overwhelming. These individuals may disconnect by watching television, throwing themselves into a work or another type of project, or other distracting, solo activities. Consistent dissociation leaves these individuals feeling less connected to themselves and others.
- Fear of dependency: Adults with this attachment style harbor the belief that they should be self-sufficient and self-reliant and have likely operated this way since childhood. These individuals fear being dependent on others to get their needs met nor asking for support. They may not trust that support will be given in the way that they need or believe themselves to be “weak” for having needs.
- Discomfort with vulnerability:
- Conflict avoidant:
Healing Avoidant Attachment
