Imagine being in a relationship where the emotional highs feel intoxicating, but the lows leave you broken and confused. You tell yourself it’s just a rough patch, that things will get better, but deep down, you feel stuck—trapped in a cycle of love and pain. This is the reality of trauma bonding: a psychological connection that forms in abusive or toxic relationships, making it incredibly difficult to break free, even when you know you’re being hurt. In this blog, we’ll explore what trauma bonds are, how they form, and how you can start healing and reclaiming your sense of self.
Trauma Bonding
The term “trauma bond” has received much attention and buzz on social media. But what exactly does this term mean? Trauma bonding is an emotional connection that forms between an abuser and their victim. Being caught in this cycle can make it challenging to permanently leave an abusive or toxic relationship. The following are stages one may recognize and find themselves in that are indicative of a trauma bond:
- Love Bombing: This occurs at the beginning of a relationship and is characterized by feeling loved, important, prioritized, and valued by your partner in an over-the-top way. While being treated this way can feel amazing and exciting, you may also feel slightly overwhelmed by the amount of love and affection your partner is showering you with. Others may mention that your partner seems “too good to be true” when you describe your relationship to others.
- Trust and Dependency: In this stage, you begin to feel a strong sense of trust and attachment to your partner. You begin to feel emotionally dependent on them and constantly crave their love and validation. As you become more dependent, they may begin distancing themselves from you, which may create desperation to regain closeness. Your partner may also rush into making promises or commitments that may make the relationship feel deep and secure. However, these promises often rarely come to fruition.
- Criticism and Devaluation: By this stage, there is a gradual shift to being criticized by your partner. This may start with something seemingly innocuous that you easily brush off. Over time, the criticism escalates and becomes more overt, characterized by your partner picking apart your personality, behaviors, thoughts, and opinions. You may have the thought of “nothing I do is ever good enough” accompanied by feeling devalued. The abuser slowly shifts the power dynamic in the relationship to where you feel powerless, which is another psychological technique for an abuser to gain control in a relationship.
- Gaslighting: This is another term that has received much attention on social media. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse used to manipulate another person into questioning their own reality with the goal of making the victim feel confused, embarrassed, and self-doubting. Gaslighting also occurs very gradually in a relationship. This can take many forms such as:
- Denying the events or facts about a situation or denying the victim’s feelings about a situation.
- Trivializing where the abuser may make the victim’s feelings about a situation seem unimportant
- Counter which involves the abuser questioning the victim’s memory of the what happened during a situation
- Projection which involves the abuser shifting the attention from the situation to the victim’s perceived sense of instability
- Resignation and Submission: By this stage, you recognize that no matter what you do to try to reason with your partner, nothing will work. You likely feel emotionally exhausted at this point in the cycle and conform to what they want just to avoid conflict. This may include continuing to allow your boundaries to be crossed which further reinforces that they can continue disrespecting you. You are prone to experiencing cognitive dissonance during this phase, characterized by holding two opposing ideas or viewpoints in mind at once. This can create discomfort and confusion and lead you to want to resolve the dissonance. Your mind may attempt to resolve the cognitive dissonance by justifying the actions of your partner in order to maintain the bond or minimizing the impact of the abuse that is occurring.
- Loss of Self: Your emotional exhaustion may result in feelings of anxiety, depression, stress, or somatic symptoms. This is often accompanied by withdrawal and isolation from friends and family. Your family and friends may be worried about you and wonder why you continue to stay in a toxic relationship that is clearly not serving you. During this stage, you may feel so far gone from yourself as all your efforts and energy are put toward appeasing your partner to avoid more pain and suffering in the relationship.
- Emotional Addiction: Following incidents of psychological or emotional abuse, your partner may subsequently provide positive reinforcement, attention, or closeness that gives you hope that the relationship can improve. You may recognize that you will do anything for a scrap of affection or a morsel of love from your partner that temporarily alleviates the psychological distress you have been experiencing. This is called intermittent reinforcement, which is a powerful way to keep one trapped in a toxic cycle. You do not know when your partner will provide you with love, care, or affirmation which keeps you waiting and hoping. When the reinforcement is given, this can feel like a temporary emotional high that then leaves you waiting for the next dose of reinforcement.
Being in a perpetual trauma bond cycle can have profound psychological effects including depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, low self-esteem, and a loss of sense of self. Individuals who have experienced the relationship cycle described above often have difficulty recognizing who they are when they permanently break free from the relationship. When one breaks away from the cycle for good, they may wonder how they ever stayed in a toxic relationship for so long, leading to feelings of shame and self-blame. Victims of trauma bonds are not to blame, as the manipulation and other psychological tactics used by the abuser have a powerful effect on keeping a victim trapped in a trauma bond cycle. These individuals may also experience complicated grief related to the end of the relationship with their partner, often grieving the best parts of the relationship while also feeling guilty for missing a relationship that was toxic or abusive.
Who is Most Susceptible?
Anyone can be susceptible to falling into a trauma bond with a partner, however there are certain characteristics or experiences that make one more vulnerable to experiencing a trauma bond:
- Abuse History: Individuals with a history of physical, emotional, sexual abuse or neglect are at a higher risk of developing a trauma bond with another individual. These individuals may develop relationships that resemble unhealthy dynamics they experienced with their caregivers throughout childhood. Often, these individuals do not know what a healthy relationship looks like and therefore have more difficulty differentiating between healthy and unhealthy qualities in a partner.
- Low Self-Esteem: Individuals who have low self-esteem or a negative view of themselves are also more at risk for developing a trauma bond. They may have difficulty recognizing that how their partner treats them is not normal or healthy or they may feel they deserve to be criticized or blamed by their partner due to negative beliefs about themselves.
- Isolation: Individuals who are isolated or have low social support are more at risk for developing a trauma bond. These individuals are more vulnerable to manipulation as they may solely rely and feel dependent on their partner for support. They also have less people they can confide in about the relationships which may mean a lack of objective perspectives about the nature of the relationship.
- Highly Empathic: Individuals who are highly empathic and caring may attract partners or friends whom they feel they can “save” or help by providing them with empathy, care, and support. This is a common misconception which can lead many empathic individuals to fall into the trap of a trauma bond cycle. Unfortunately, no amount of love, care, or support can “fix” a partner who uses manipulation or other tactics to gain power and control in a relationship. Change must be internally motivated.
Healing from a Trauma Bond Relationship
Trauma bonds can leave one feeling psychologically wounded and scarred in the aftermath of the relationship. Healing from these wounds takes time and patience. The following are ways to begin the healing process:
- Acknowledge the Trauma Bond: Naming and acknowledging that you were in a trauma bond relationship is the first step toward processing through this experience. Recognizing this for yourself and reaching out to friends and family members for support can help you begin giving language and understanding around what you experienced.
- Engaging in Self-Care: The end of a toxic or abusive relationship can feel like whiplash and leave one physically and emotionally exhausted. Small acts of self-care, kindness, and gentleness toward oneself is key to helping your body and your mind heal. Self-care may look like establishing a sleep schedule, eating comforting foods, and giving yourself space for the myriad of emotions you are likely experiencing.
- Go No-Contact: Because of the psychologically manipulative nature of the trauma bond cycle, is it not uncommon for individuals to be pulled back into the cycle time and time again. Their mind may store the painful and hurtful memories in a part of the brain that is inaccessible to the individual, so that all the individual remembers are the good times and phases of love-bombing that made them feel special and valued. This is why it is important to go no-contact with an abusive or toxic partner/friend. Take steps to block them on your social media, delete their phone number, and seek support from friends or family members if you feel tempted to reach out or respond to them.
- Therapy: Seeking support from a mental health professional can be beneficial in processing the trauma that often accompanies the end of an abusive or toxic relationship. A therapist can provide more language and understanding around what kinds of patterns you experienced in the relationship and can provide useful skills and techniques to help you regain control over your life. Many therapists aim to create a space where clients feel safe to process emotional wounds.
If you have experienced or are still in a trauma bond cycle, and desire healing from these experiences, reach out for help. Our team of specialized mental health professionals at Integrated Care Clinic are equipped with the knowledge and skills to help you heal from painful past experiences and gain skills that will help you reconnect with yourself and others in a healthy and meaningful way. Reach out today to start the process.
