Everyone, no matter their age, thrives in life when they are given rules and expectations. Rules and expectations create a feeling of safety and security we all need to be able to be the best versions of ourselves. They also provide clear guidelines on acceptable behavior that we can all follow to create a harmonious environment. Rules and expectations can be found everywhere in life: schools, work, theme parks, grocery stores, etc. Because of the important role rules and expectations play in our day to day life, setting and maintaining rules and expectations at home with children and adolescents is a must.
It is very common for parents to express that setting rules and expectations comes easily, while enforcing and maintaining them can be difficult. They share mutual frustration with other parents who have children and adolescents who know what they should do, but choose to not. Or they break the rules and expectations set for them, no matter how many times they are reminded of them. This post aims to help parents set appropriate rules and expectations for their child or adolescent and to get them to follow them.
Setting Rules and Expectations
The first step in getting your child to follow your rules and expectations is to set age appropriate rules and expectations. As a child goes through each developmental stage, they become more and more capable of handling more responsibilities. In order to make sure they feel confident in their abilities, you need to start with clear, simple rules that are easy to follow. Gradually, as your child grows into an adolescent their rules and expectations can allow them to be more independent and help develop autonomy.
Here are some examples of age appropriate rules and expectations for different ages. Please note these are only a few examples all of which should be expanded on per family and child.
Toddlers and Preschoolers
- Safety Rules: no running in the house, stay where an adult can see you outside, do not touch hot things
- Basis Manners: using ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as needed
- Hygiene: washing hands and brushing teeth
- Cleaning: putting toys away, throwing away trash
- Routines: consistent bed time, mealtime routine behaviors
Elementary Schoolers
- Interacting with Others: no interrupting, sharing, listening to adults
- Homework: completing homework on time and asking for help when needed
- Chores: making their bed, cleaning up toys, taking out the trash, helping with dishes
- Screen Time: limited screen time, only using approved apps, using screens at designated times only
- Hygiene: showering on own, dressing self
Teenagers
- Curfew: set times they must be home, communicating with parents if unable to make curfew
- Personal Responsibility: managing own money, taking care of personal belongings, telling parents when in need of items timely
- Communication: keeping parenting informed about plans, parents know where you are at all times, asking for help when needed
- Respect: respecting all adults, behaving in school, no bullying or making fun of others
When creating rules and expectations for your children, it is encouraged that the parents first meet together to decide what the basic rules and expectations will be. Once you have those in mind, having a family meeting and getting the children involved in setting the official family rules and expectations can make enforcing the rules more seamless. Studies show that the more we include children in the process, the more buy in they will have to follow the rules and expectations.
It is also important that the rules and expectations created are specific, realistic, and understandable. You want to make sure that your child is clear on what the expectation is so that they are able to meet your expectations easily. This is accomplished by being as specific as possible when setting expectations and also answering any clarifying questions your child may have. Here is an example of two rules that demonstrate the difference between a simple rule/expectation and a specific, realistic, and understandable rule/expectation .
- “Do the dishes”
- “Do the dishes by loading the dishwasher, handwashing pots and pans, drying and putting away clean dishes, and wiping down the countertops.”
As you can see in this example, just telling your child to “do the dishes” could leave a lot up for interpretation. By being specific and laying out exactly what “doing the dishes” means to you as the parent, you bypass any confusion later. Being specific like this also potentially eliminates arguments in the future over what your child should have done versus what they did. Overall, the more specific you can be when setting rules and expectations, the easier they will be to maintain in the future.
Maintaining and Enforcing Rules and Expectations
Once you have set your rules/expectations for your child, you are going to need to have a plan in place for enforcing them. There are two main ways in which you can do this: positive reinforcement and consequences. Many parents have difficulty maintaining and reinforcing their rules/expectations because they choose only one of these ways. The key to getting your child to follow your rules and expectations for the long term is to use BOTH positive reinforcement and consequences.
Positive Reinforcement
- Positive reinforcement is simply giving your child something they like after they do something good that you would like them to do again. In this case, you reward them for following the rules and expectations you set for them. Rewards can be a variety of things and never have to have monetary value. In fact, the more rewards are focused on quality time with a parent the better. Most kids ultimately just want more time with their mom or dad and are willing to go above and beyond to get that.
- Praising your children verbally is another form of positive reinforcement. It is so important for our children to know we love and care about them. They thrive off of your love and support as well. The more a child is praised for what they have done, the more likely they are to repeat that behavior. Praising your child also helps improve their self-esteem. The more you tell them how amazing they are and how good of a job they are doing, the more they will begin to believe that intensely about themselves.
Consequences
- Consequences occur as a result of our behaviors and can be either positive or negative. When talking about consequences for enforcing rules and expectations, they are a result of either not following the rules or breaking them. Consequences are a negative result of doing something wrong and are used in order to prevent a behavior from occurring again. Consequences can be a variety of things with the important part being they will deter a future repeat of a behavior or lack of following rules/expectations.
- When it comes to deciding what the consequences will be for your child it is important that they be fair, appropriate, and consistent. To make sure the consequences you set for your child are fair, appropriate, and consistent it can be helpful to think of a consequence that “matches the crime”. For instance, if you have a rule of 30 minutes of screen time a day and your child goes past 30 minutes, then a good consequence could be for them to not have any screen time the next day. Consistent consequences could include always taking away a phone, tablet, or other screen time for every time your child does not follow a rule or expectation.
Having consistent positive reinforcements and consequences for your child is one large part of maintaining and enforcing your rules and expectations at home. Another considerable part to getting your child to follow your rules and expectations is the attitude you have around them. It is important to encompass an attitude that is open to communication and flexibility.
Being open to communication with your child demonstrates how much you value them and their input. The more you allow your child to communicate their thoughts and feelings about the rules/expectations, the more buy-in you will have from them. This allows your child to feel as though they have had a say in what is and isn’t expected of them, which makes them more likely to follow the rules. Listening to their concerns and thoughts about the rules does not mean you have given power over to them, but instead you are able to create rules together that all will agree to follow.
In the world outside of your home, much of life is flexible with rules and expectations ebbing and flowing given the environment you are in and your age. Being open to being flexible with your rules and expectations is another way to help your child want to follow the rules and expectations. You should be open to adjusting rules as your child grows and faces new challenges as well as recognize when a rule is no longer effective or appropriate for them. Flexibility helps develop autonomy and independence over time as well.
Getting your child to follow your rules and expectations does not have to be difficult or painful. It doesn’t have to end in fights or tears and with everyone hating one another. Instead, it can be a consistent flexible way for you to help your child navigate the world around them. If you find yourself needing more help or support in getting your child to follow your rules and expectations, please reach out to us at Integrated Care Clinic. Each of our practitioners are equipped to help you navigate this part of life with ease and support.
