Picture this: You just broke up with your partner and you found yourself wondering, Was it me, or were they just… impossible? You keep replaying moments in your head: the way they always had to be the center of attention, their disregard for your feelings, or the way they would twist every argument to make you feel like you were at fault. You have walked away feeling emotionally exhausted, questioning your own reality, or wondering if something more sinister was at play.
If this has ever been you, you are not alone. In a world where the term “narcissist” seems to be thrown around casually, it is easy to feel like you are stuck in a never ending cycle of self-doubt, especially after a difficult break up. But how do you truly know if your ex was just a toxic person or if they actually fit the mold of a narcissist? More importantly, what do you do with this realization once you have connected the dots? This post will explore the real traits of a narcissist, how to identify narcissistic behavior, and what to do if your ex really is a narcissist.
Understanding Narcissism
Narcissism can refer to a set of personality traits as well as a personality disorder. While there is an overlap in the narcissistic personality traits and the personality disorder, someone who has the traits or behaviors does not always have the personality disorder. This is due to narcissism existing on a spectrum. In order for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, and truly be considered a narcissist, they must embody the following pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy in all areas of life including in at least 5 or more of the following ways:
- Exaggerates achievements and talents or expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements
- Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high status individuals
- Requires excessive admiration
- Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations
- Takes advantages of others to achieve their own success
- Lacks empathy or is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
- Portrays themself as arrogant or displays haughty behaviors or attitudes Signs Your Ex May Be a Narcissist
After reading the above descriptions of narcissism and what qualifies as a narcissistic personality disorder and are still questioning if your ex meets the criteria, here are some specific examples of a narcissist in a relationship.
- Lack of Empathy: You ex dismissed your feelings frequently or showed little care for your emotional needs. They may have told you that you are over reacting to a situation or turned the attention to them when you shared how you felt about something.
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: Your ex would twist reality, deny facts, or deflect blame in order to cause confusion or control you. When you confronted them with a problem they tried to deny the problem or turned it into a problem of you not trusting them. They twisted the truth around to make a whole new problem so that you lost focus on what was really happening.
- Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance: They exaggerated their achievements, expected special treatment, or had a sense of entitlement. They may have told you that they were a very important part of the company they worked for and that they were working their way to take over the company. And then you found out that much of what they said were “goals” “ideas” or “plans” that had yet to come to fruition.
- Excessive Need for Admiration: Your ex was constantly seeking validation, praise, or attention from you or others. When you would go to a party or small gathering with friends, they always had to be the center of attention. Maybe they would be the one who always gave a toast or went around sharing their latest success with everyone who was willing to listen.
- Exploitative Relationships: Your ex would use others for their own gain, often without concern for the other person’s well-being. They would jump from friendship to friendship in order to climb the social ladder and make connections with “powerful people”. They may have even asked others for help on a project and then taken full credit for it.
- Blame-Shifting: They always blamed others for their mistakes or failures and never took responsibility for their actions. If they had a falling out with someone, they always had several reasons as to why that person was at fault, but never recognized their role in the relationship. The Impact of Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can take its toll on a person. It can be overwhelming, emotionally draining, and isolating. A narcissist puts their partner through so much, sometimes over a short period of time, that when the relationship is over no one knows which way is up or down. A relationship with a narcissist can take a large emotional toll on a person.
One impact of being in a relationship with a narcissist is the chronic emotional exhaustion. A narcissist can induce chronic feelings of confusion and doubt. This is due to their constant lying and manipulation. Their constant gas lighting can leave one confused and unable to trust their own experiences and feelings. This eventually leads to a diminished sense of self-esteem over the course of the relationship.
Another impact of being in a relationship with a narcissist is difficulty in maintaining boundaries. Having boundaries in relationships can be difficult for anyone, but when you come out of a relationship where there was manipulation or guilt-tripping on a regular basis it can be even harder to maintain boundaries. Most people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist walk away feeling very insecure within themselves and their ability to pick good people to be around. Their sense of self has been so twisted they no longer trust themselves to make decisions.
Is Your Ex a Narcissist or Just a Toxic Person
A narcissist and a toxic person share many of the same qualities but are distinct in a few key ways. As noted earlier, narcissists have a deep need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance. They are also known for manipulating others to meet their own emotional needs. Toxic people on the other hand, are characterized by behaviors that create chronic negativity, chaos, or harm in relationships. Typically though, toxic people do not have the same level of self-absorption or grandiosity that narcissistic people have. Toxic people may display a broader range of destructive behaviors such as chronic criticism, dishonesty, or passive aggressive tendencies. While both narcissists and toxic people can cause emotional distress, a narcissist’s behavior is more deliberate and self-serving while a toxic person’s behavior stems more from insecurity and poor emotional regulation.
As you work to determine if your ex is a narcissist or just a toxic person, it can be helpful to engage in self-reflection. Ask yourself “what were the specific patterns and behaviors of my ex?” Reflect on where those behaviors and patterns stem from and what you believe was the goal for your ex. If it feels more self-absorbed and grandiose, then you may be right that your ex is a narcissist.
Moving Forward and Healing
If you suspect that you were in a relationship with a narcissist, here are some steps you can take for yourself to move forward in life and heal from your experience.
- Seek Therapy: Therapy can help you process the trauma of the relationship and build emotional resilience. A relationship with a narcissist can create a lot of mental trauma. It can increase depression and anxiety, both of which can be worked on in therapy.
- Learn to Recognize Toxic Behaviors: By learning to recognize toxic behaviors, you will hopefully be able to avoid future toxic relationships. It can be helpful to know what behaviors are and are not ok with you. Learn from your past relationship in order to create healthier future relationships.
- Rebuild Your Self-Worth: Narcissists work hard to tear down the people around them in an effort to make themselves look better. Coming out of a relationship with one can result in low self-esteem and self-worth. Working on yourself and recognizing the good within yourself can help build your confidence again. As a result, your future relationships have potential to be stronger.
Dating a narcissistic person can be one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through. Between the manipulation, gas lighting, self-absorption, and need for admiration, it can be difficult to ever feel enough in a relationship. If you or someone you love has been or currently is in a relationship with a narcissistic person and ready to seek help, please reach out to any of our trained professionals here at Integrated Care Clinic.
