How is it that the holiday season is already upon us? I’m sure it was just the other day that we were all crowding the beach, enjoying summer break, and sending kids back to school. But alas, October is here, and we will quickly see Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s plans on our calendars. Those plans are likely to include family, and you may also fret with anxious emotions about navigating time with people who do not always respect your values and beliefs.
Fortunately, navigating the holidays with families does not have to be a time of stress and anxiety. You can approach this season with confidence and strength by setting boundaries before the holidays.
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that we create for ourselves that are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for others to behave around us and how we will respond if someone breaks those boundaries. Healthy boundaries with other people can be empowering and protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships. A lack of boundaries can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and stress.
There are several types of boundaries. Some of the most common are physical, intellectual, emotional, material, and time boundaries. Each plays a specific role, and you may need all of the boundaries with a person or only one or two. Let’s explore these boundaries and what they could look like for you.
- Physical Boundaries: These boundaries refer to personal space and personal touch. You get to dictate who can touch you, when they can touch you, and where they can touch you. It also includes who can enter your personal space. Examples of physical boundaries include no hugging or no one being allowed in your bedroom.
- Intellectual Boundaries: These boundaries refer to others respecting your thoughts and ideas. To set these boundaries, you will also need to respect other’s thoughts and ideas. An example of an intellectual boundary is setting limits on topics you are willing to discuss with others, such as not discussing politics.
- Emotional Boundaries: These boundaries refer to people’s feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include limitations on when to share and when not to share personal information. An example of an emotional boundary is not sharing your feelings about a situation with someone so they cannot invalidate your feelings.
- Material Boundaries: These boundaries refer to money and personal possessions. You get to choose who you share your possessions with and when. An example of a material boundary would be being willing to share your car with a family member but not with a coworker.
- Time Boundaries: These boundaries refer to how a person uses their time. Healthy time boundaries occur when you set aside enough time for every facet of your life, such as work, relationships, and hobbies. An example of a time boundary is telling your work you cannot work overtime because you need to get home to your family.
Having healthy boundaries, you can better cope with the world around you. Before you can set boundaries this holiday season, you first need to reflect on what you want to get out of the time you will spend with loved ones. Do you want to be able to maintain current relationships? Build on relationships? Just enjoy the time of year? Do you want to help your partner and/or children have fun with family? Identifying your goals and intentions for the season will then influence what boundaries you create and how you enforce them.
In addition to reflecting on your wants for the holiday season, you will need to be able to identify and recognize your limits and triggers for the people you will need to have boundaries with. To identify these limits and triggers, you can ask yourself questions like:
- Is there anyone I do not want to talk to alone?
- What comments have people made in the past that have upset me?
- Are there any topics I do not want to discuss?
- How do I feel about physical touch with the people I will be around?
- How long can I be at this place or around these people?
Once you have taken the time to explore your needs and where you feel you need to have boundaries, it is time to establish those boundaries and communicate them with the individuals who they will impact. When communicating your boundaries, remember you always have the right to say “no” to others and express your needs. It will be important for you to express yourself clearly and without ambiguity so there is no doubt about your boundaries.
A good boundary is made up of 2 key aspects. First, a good boundary is specific. By having a specific boundary, there is no room for confusion about what the boundary is, when the boundary is to be used, or to whom the boundary is applied. Second, a good boundary has a consequence. One of the biggest reasons your boundary may not be followed is because there is no known consequence to breaking it. When setting the boundary, clearly state what will happen if your boundary is crossed. Here is an example of a specific boundary with consequences:
“I do not want to discuss politics when we all meet for the holiday party. If anyone brings up politics, I will walk away and take a break. If politics continues to be discussed, I will leave the party.”
This boundary clearly states a specific topic that is off-limits for this person to discuss. It also provides two consequences if the boundary is broken. First, the person is willing to walk away for a break and then will leave the party if the conversation continues. This boundary could be communicated in person or via text to the people attending the party in advance so that all are prepared to respect it.
Setting boundaries with someone can be difficult, overwhelming, or anxiety-producing. To help you communicate your boundaries effectively, it can be helpful to follow these four steps:
- Use Confident Body Language: Face the other person, make eye contact, and use a steady voice with appropriate volume (not too quiet or too loud). Keep your arms uncrossed to show you are open to conversation.
- Be Respectful: It is okay to be firm when communicating your boundaries, but do so without yelling, using put-downs, or giving the person the silent treatment when they respond. Your boundaries will be better received if you do so respectfully.
- Plan Ahead: Before you communicate your boundaries, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Plan out what you will say so that you will feel more confident about your words and your position.
- Compromise: After communicating your boundaries, it can be appropriate to listen and consider the needs of the other person. You never have to compromise, but give and take is part of any healthy relationship.
After you have clearly communicated your boundaries to a person, it is common for you to repeat/remind the person of your boundaries. Most boundaries are set because someone else repeatedly says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, which means they probably will not change their behavior overnight. Depending on your relationship with the person you set boundaries with, you will need to have patience and repeat your boundaries or begin thinking about cutting off your relationship with that person.
Having patience when setting boundaries with someone can be important, especially if the person you are setting boundaries with is someone you desire to keep in your long-term life. In this case, it will be important for you to reiterate your boundaries with them and maintain your consequences. For example, if you set the boundary with your mother that she is not to kiss your baby anywhere, and if she does, you will not allow her to hold him, then you will need to remind her of your boundary and then follow through with the consequence if she violates your boundary.
On the other hand, if someone continues to break your boundaries and they are not someone you value for the long term, then after so many boundary violations, you may want to consider cutting them off from your life. For example, you set a boundary with your neighbor that they need not use profane language around your children at holiday parties, and if they do, you will leave their presence or ask them to leave. They have repeatedly broken your boundaries, even with reminders and follow-through on the consequences. This could be when you consider choosing not to invite them to your holiday party. By doing so, you are communicating to others even more about how important your boundaries are and how serious you are when setting them.
Setting boundaries with others, especially during the holidays, can be one of the hardest things you must do. By doing so, though, there is hope that both you and your loved ones will be able to enjoy the holidays and walk away feeling good about your interactions.
If you or someone you know is having difficulty setting boundaries with others, please reach out to Integrated Care Clinic for help. Each of our providers is skilled at helping you identify your boundaries, set your boundaries, and maintain them. Reach out today and make your holiday season all you want it to be and more!
