Is your high school senior a perfectionist? You may respond with: what do you mean by perfectionism? Often teens who exhibit perfectionistic tendencies are highly motivated, involved, achievement striving, straight A students. While these traits are likely some of your teen’s greatest strengths and have likely led them to succeed academically, signs of perfectionism may be lingering beneath the surface of your teen’s success and good work ethic. The following are some common signs of perfectionism in high school students:
- Excessive self-criticism: Perfectionists are highly self-critical of their performance- making just one mistake can cause them to spiral into a slew of negative, self-critical thoughts. Having a strong inner critic likely means teens are their own worst enemy when it comes to academic performance and success. They may feel their performance is never good enough, even when they do accomplish their goals.
- Chronic overachieving: Perfectionists strive to achieve the highest grades they can and be the best they can be. They may put their grades and other activities before their own health, well-being, and social life. They likely place an exorbitant amount of pressure on themselves to succeed and be “perfect.”
- Poor boundaries: Perfectionistic teens may be overloaded with extracurricular activities and social obligations on top of their academic workload. They want to do everything perfectly, are fearful of letting others down, and therefore have trouble saying “no” to events or tasks that they don’t have the emotional capacity for.
- Driven by external validation: Your perfectionistic teen may derive their motivation from external sources, such as praise from their parents, teachers, and coaches. They may have difficulty finding a sense of internal motivation, such as choosing to pursue tasks for the sake of curiosity, enjoyment, and fulfillment.
- Procrastination: It is also common for perfectionists to procrastinate assignments out of fear that they will not meet the high expectations they set for themselves. If they do poorly on an assignment that they procrastinated, they may rationalize that they did poorly because they didn’t give themselves enough time rather than facing their belief that they weren’t good enough.
- Fear of failure: Perfectionists harbor a deep fear of failure which may hold them back from engaging in tasks they feel are beyond their capability. This may stunt their creativity as their prefer to “play it safe.”
- Difficulty receiving feedback: Many perfectionists have trouble taking in constructive feedback. Even if they receive all compliments and just one piece of negative feedback, they will often hone in on the feedback and fixate on it. They may ascribe labels to themselves such as “never good enough,” or “failure.”
- Comparison to peers: Does your teen constantly compare themselves to others and fear being “second best?” Watching their peers surpass or do better than them can result in feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.
- All-or-nothing thinking: Perfectionists get caught in what’s called all-or-nothing or black-or-white thinking where they either achieve perfection or have failed, with no room in between for alternative perspectives or outlooks. This can prove problematic as most of life occurs somewhere in the gray area between “perfection” and “failure.”
- Burnout, anxiety, and stress: Constant striving toward an unrealistic degree of perfection can cause your teen to feel anxious, stressed, and eventually burnt out. Perfectionists often do not leave enough time in their schedules for self-care, relaxation, and rest which can leave them more prone to illness as chronic stress weakens immune system functioning.
If your teen exhibits any or all of the above, they likely have some perfectionistic tendencies that are driving their academic achievement. While their perfectionism has likely helped them do well in school and other activities, perfectionism can be your teens’ greatest barrier to success and well-being in college and beyond.
Challenges Faced by Perfectionistic College Freshman
Perfectionistic teens are usually the teens of parents who don’t worry about them as much during the transition to college because they are often independent, motivated, hard-working, and organized. They’ve never had any issues with school and were likely at the top of their class in high school. Many of these students begin college with the expectation that they can continue to achieve all As and balance a number of extracurricular activities.
However, this is usually not the case in college, especially for students who are attending prestigious universities or enrolled in competitive majors. College is a time of increased pressure and new challenges. College courses are more rigorous than high school courses, often requiring more critical thinking, greater time spent studying, and self-directed learning. Students will be exposed to a variety of teaching styles and classroom settings (i.e., lecture halls) and grading systems may be more rigorous when it comes to exams and papers. As college progresses, students will also feel the pressure to apply to internships, jobs, or further education.
Perfectionistic students facing these challenges for the first time will be in for a shock. They may receive what they consider a “poor” grade for the first time and recognize they may not be on track to achieve all As. This may cause a hit to their self-esteem and lead to an increase in self-critical thoughts, anxiety, and even more pressure to get back on track.
Or, they may strive so hard that they achieve all As at the expense of their health and well-being. Achieving for the sake of achieving is not sustainable in the long run and can lead your teen to self-isolate, experience poor sleep, chronic anxiety, and an even harsher inner critic. Their all-or-nothing style of thinking makes it difficult for them to have self-compassion when they fall short of their expectations, pivot when their approach to their coursework is not working, and seek help and support when they need it most.
Supporting your Perfectionistic Teen
There are many ways you can support your perfectionistic teen as they make this important transition to college:
- Set realistic expectations: Talk with your teen about setting realistic goals and expectations as they begin college. Straight As are often not a realistic expectation in college and your teens’ GPA is not the most important marker of success. Perfectionistic teens are often concerned about letting their parents down if they do poorly on a test or in a class. Let your teen know you will be proud of them for trying their best and are aware of the increased rigor college courses often pose. This may also entail adjusting your own expectations for your teen. Your student will not be equally successful at every course they take in college and all students have academic strengths and weaknesses. You may say things like:
- I’m proud of you for working so hard at this class that’s really challenging for you. The grade you get in this class doesn’t change how awesome I think you are.
- Your GPA does not define you.
- Praise your teen for non-academic accomplishments: College is so much more than just academic achievement. Your teen is developing their identity and finding purpose and meaning through social connections, extracurricular activities, and new experiences. However, your perfectionistic teen likely places disproportionate emphasis on their achievements to define their self-worth. Practice praising your teen for the unique qualities you love about them that are not focused on grades (i.e., kindness, ability to be a good friend, ability to care for themselves). Let them know you are proud of them simply for who they are rather than what they achieve. This will help your teen reframe what “success” means to them.
- Celebrate your teen: As mentioned earlier, your perfectionistic teen may struggle to truly celebrate their successes and accomplishments as they are always looking ahead to check off the next task on their to-do list. Take time to be present and celebrate both the big and the small wins with your teen. Some of these may include getting into college, making it through the first week of school, giving a presentation or turning in a big paper, joining a club, or making a new friend. Your teen may also have trouble developing boundaries and saying “no” to things they do not have the capacity to do. Celebrate your teen’s ability to set boundaries, engage in self-care, and prioritize their health and well-being over their academic tasks.
- Discuss the importance of stress management techniques: Help your teen develop healthy stress management and self-care practices as they enter college. Perfectionistic teens place a lot of pressure on themselves to reach unrealistic expectations, which causes them to place their own needs last. Effective coping for stress and anxiety include getting out in nature, exercising, spending time with friends, unplugging from email and social media, journaling, art, meditation, reading for fun, and calling a trusted friend or family member for support. Be intentional when asking your teen how they are taking care of themselves and managing their stress levels.
- Encourage your teen to utilize campus resources: Perfectionistic teens may have trouble asking for help, as they often like to appear as though they have it “all together.” Encourage your student to utilize tutoring services or academic advising if they are having trouble finding effective ways to study or develop a class schedule that is not too challenging or rigorous. If your teen has been operating from a perfectionist mindset for most of their lives, it is going to take time to unlearn these tendencies and develop new, more adaptive habits. College counseling centers are equipped to help students with perfectionistic tendencies. There is no shame in reaching out and utilizing these valuable resources that are available to support your student’s success and well-being.
Perfectionistic teens need support from their caregivers as they transition to college. Their perfectionistic tendencies will only intensify as they experience the increased rigor of college courses. College is a time of growth, new experiences, and identity development, making it an opportune time for students to gain awareness of their perfectionistic tendencies and work toward developing more realistic expectations of themselves that foster joy, connection, and fulfillment in all areas of their lives.
If you are looking for support for you or your teen as you navigate this transition, Integrated Care Clinic can help. We are a team of specialized psychologists who work with teens and their families to promote their mental health and well-being.
