As humans, we are relational beings, meaning feeling connected to others and having fulfilling relationships is a central tenet of our well-being. If this is true, then why do so many of us struggle in relationships? One explanation for this is attachment styles. Attachment styles are patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships that are shaped by early childhood experiences, particularly relationships with primary caregivers. The attachment style we develop during childhood is usually carried over into adulthood and can greatly impact our relationship satisfaction, self-esteem, and emotion regulation. Understanding one’s attachment style and its impact on relationships is the first step toward healing the parts of our attachment system that are causing pain and strain in relationships.
What Are Attachment Styles?
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were pioneers in the field of attachment theory and laid the groundwork for how we understand attachment. John Bowlby was one of the first attachment theorists and proposed that infants are born with an innate need to form close attachments with caregiving figures. This is an instinctual process to ensure survival of the infant. Infants and children will display attachment seeking behaviors, like crying, clinging, or following, as a way to get their physical and emotional needs met by their caregiver. Bowlby also proposed the concept of caregivers acting as a “secure base” for their child, meaning the child feels safe to explore their environment because they know they have a trusted adult figure they can return to for safety.
Mary Ainsworth, through the “strange situation” experiment, discovered different attachment styles by observing the response of infants when they were placed in a novel environment with their caregiver, separated from, and then reunited with their primary caregiver. Ainsworth observed four different types of attachment styles based on these experiments: secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized. Infants categorized as “securely attached” to their caregiver in the strange situation experiment explored their environment while looking back at their caregiver for reassurance. When their caregiver left the room, the infant exhibited distress followed by seeking comfort from their caregiver upon their return. The caregiver responded with warmth and sensitivity to help their child regulate their nervous system. Components of secure attachment will be discussed in more depth in the following section.
Secure Attachment in Infancy and Childhood
Secure attachment is actually what our nervous systems are fundamentally wired for. That is, we are wired for safe and secure connection with others.
- Secure attachment is formed when a caregiver is consistently responsive to their infant and/or child’s needs. This does not mean a caregiver has to respond perfectly and immediately to each need, as this would be unrealistic and is unnecessary for the basis of secure attachment. Through good enough responding, the child learns that their physical and emotional needs will be met which forms a basis of trust with their caregiver. The child also learns that their needs are important and worth being attended to.
- A secure base means the parent or caregiver encourages their child to explore their environment but acts as a safe point of reference for the child to return to when needed. This helps strengthen self-esteem and foster curiosity and independence, while also creating boundaries for the child, which is essential for healthy development and attachment. If the child encounters something new, scary, or dangerous in their environment, they know their parent is in close proximity and that they can return to them for safety, protection, or comfort. The child will feel protected and will trust that their caregiver will be there to help them when needed.
- Another component of secure attachment is being a safe haven for an infant/child. Caregivers acting as a safe haven means being a safe presence for their child to experience and express their emotions. The child will learn that their feelings are valid and they will be responded to with respect and care. Caregivers also help their children co-regulate by remaining calm during big emotional outbursts, helping their child give language to their emotions, and modeling skills their child can use to help them express emotions in more adaptive ways. Children will learn over time that their caregiver is a safe person they can confide in when they encounter a problem or are experiencing emotions that are difficult to work through on their own.
- Secure attachment is also fostered by caregivers being able to delight in their infant or child. This is often communicated nonverbally, through warm eye contact, smiling, laughter, soothing touch, and shared connection. Children see themselves through the eyes of their caregiver, which forms the foundation for their confidence and self-esteem. When a child feels delighted in, they learn they are valued and lovable for who they are, rather than what they do. Caregivers can foster these moments by being present with their child and engaging in play with them.
- Another factor that helps a child develop a secure attachment with their caregiver is observing and experiencing rupture and repair. Ruptures occur in moments of disconnect, tension, or conflict in relationships and may be caused by unmet expectations, hurt words, or a misunderstanding. Relationship ruptures are bound to happen at some point in intimate relationships, especially between caregiver and child. Repair is the process of rebuilding trust and emotional connection in the relationship. Repair can look like having a conversation where a caregiver and child can express their feelings about a situation and apologizing where appropriate.
Secure Attachment in Adulthood
Adults who are securely attached are more likely to exhibit the following:
- High self-esteem and positive self-worth: Securely attached adults tend to exhibit good self-esteem and a positive self-worth. They walk through the world with a sense of confidence, capability, and groundedness in who they are. They may have an overall sense of “I matter,” “I am worthy,” and “I am lovable.” This is not to be mistaken with overconfidence, grandiosity, or an inflated sense of self-worth. Securely attached individuals can admit their mistakes, take accountability for their actions, and acknowledge their growth edges. But, doing so does not detract from their innate sense of self-worth and value.
- Healthy coping: Securely attached adults possess coping skills to help them manage stress and regulate their emotions. Co-regulation from their caregivers will eventually lead to their ability to self-regulate and self-soothe when experiencing difficult situations or big emotions. Additionally, these adults often feel comfortable reaching out for help and support from friends or loved ones when needed. Reaching out for support is not seen as shameful or weak by these individuals.
- Intimate relationships: These adults usually have more ease and less stress when forming and maintaining platonic and romantic relationships. They are more comfortable with being vulnerable with their friends and partners. These individuals are able to let their guard down and feel relaxed and playful in relationships. They slowly build trust with others in their life and understand what it means to feel emotionally safe in a relationship.
- Good communication skills: Securely attached adults know their thoughts, feelings, and needs are important and valued, and are therefore more equipped to communicate what they are thinking, feeling, and needing in their relationships.
- Conflict resolution skills: These adults know that conflict is inevitable in relationships, and they often see conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to their partner. These individuals are not immune to feeling hurt or emotionally wounded by their partners. However, securely attached adults maintain a sense of worth and self-esteem even when they are feeling hurt or misunderstood by their partner. They also have a better sense of how to repair relationship ruptures through open communication, admitting when they are wrong, and apologizing when appropriate.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
For many, secure attachment may feel “aspirational” or “unattainable.” The good news is that if you did not grow up in an environment where secure attachment was fostered, there are ways to move toward secure attachment in adulthood.
- Self-awareness: Notice what feels easy and what feels challenging about relationships for you. Beginning to reflect on your own relationship patterns can bring your awareness to places that need attention and healing.
- Build physical and emotional safety: Become curious about physical and emotional symptoms that arise when you are experiencing challenges in your relationships. Our bodies offer a wealth of knowledge that alerts us to when we feel unsafe, threatened, or disconnected in relationships. Notice what it feels like in your body to feel a sense of trust and safety when you are around others. Are there people in your life who help you feel calm, safe, and loved? These are people with whom you may already have a secure attachment with.
- Seek therapy: Therapy can help you identify what feels challenging in relationships, heal from past attachment wounds, and build healthier, more secure relationships with others.
The ability to form secure attachments with others forms the basis of trusting, safe, and loving relationships. There are several other attachment styles that will be covered in upcoming blogs. If you are looking to explore your attachment style and move toward secure attachment, therapy may be beneficial for you. Our team of mental health professionals at Integrated Care Clinic are specialized in helping individuals build healthy and meaningful relationships with others. Reach out today to start the process.
